I was looking at a list last night
a list full of all the men I may have dated, been in a brief encounter,
relationship with, dated, or just had a crush on over all of the years. Looking
at the list made me think about all of those brief or long moments with them.
Yesterday morning I found a couple of birthday cards I was supposed to give my
ex-boyfriend and one of my best friends from high school. The card of course I
will give it to my best friends she will appreciate it completely. Yet the card
from my ex-boyfriend when I was saw and look at the card it represents
something to me. How much I think I was in love with him actually. Yet there
was something about our relationship that used to piss me off. It used to make
me so mad how when I told him I was a writer/blogger and I would often talk
about my personal relationships, dating experiences, or even my life. He didn’t
want it up there he asked for me to take everything down. I remember when we
were dating it was like he had something to hide. Yet he’s young he had every
single social media app and he would say “Oh I hate social media…I don’t like
giving access to everyone”. Yet when I did some homework and then realized
something about him. He had every single app and page you think of from
LinkedIn, Facebook, What’s App, Snapchat, and more.
I was pissed because I realized he
was hiding something yet I am the kind of person I put it all out there. If you
want to know the truth I am going to tell you the truth. That’s just how I am
as a young woman. I will tell you exactly what you want to know, how it
happened, why it happened, and the reason for people or things may having come
to a beginning or an end. My ex- boyfriend was hiding something from me and he
didn’t want our relationship out there. I will never know the full truth unless
I asked him.
I cannot be with anyone who doesn’t
want to share me with the public, I can’t be with someone who wants to keep me
as a dirty little secret hiding like a side chick and making me feel like I am
less than or not valuable to them because I am. I realized it after a while
like why did we break up again. I put nearly two years into a relationship with
someone who I was crazy about and didn’t even want to really share me with the
world. I was so pissed when he told me Chloe, take down the photos. I am a
writer/blogger a person who has strong interests in the creative arts field,
writing , and yes media as well. That’s who I am. If you can’t accept that then
I can’t be with you. This is apart of who I am now I share my life and
experiences to help others. To help give advice and to understand why some
people come into your life and why they may leave too.
I
will care about this person and I think he did care about me too because he
reached out to me a couple of times after we broke up a couple of years ago. I
think seeing that birthday card it triggered something. I remember being in the
bed so hurt after we broke up. You know the scene you’re in the fetal position,
crying, heartbroken, all you want is comfort food, and just for someone to hold
you. All you want to do is make the pain stop. It took me about 6 months I
would say we broke up February of 2017 and I think by August the summer of 2017
I healed. I remember we were supposed to go on a trip together to Las Vegas I
wanted (and I went to see one of my favorite celebrities perform) , I had won a
package to one of Hilton’s hotels/resorts the Elara, and we were going to have
an amazing time. I wanted him there with me so badly it hurt like hell. I was
at this amazing resort and I didn’t have him or anyone to share that with me
back then. Yet there was something empowering and healing at the same time
about it. I had accomplished my goal and dream too. I just remember the pain of
feeling like why doesn’t this person want me to share them with my readers /my
viewers who would read my blog. I remember feeling just annoyed and unwanted.
As if the person didn’t want me to the main woman or main person in their life.
People can see those of us who have certified twenty-twenty vision and are able
to see. They know when we are with someone who makes us happy. I guess I wanted
to share my happiness with the world at that time. Yet I realized this person
didn’t want me to expose him for some reason. My point I am coming around to is
I am scared actually right now. That I am going to get my ass hurt again.
I feel like on one hand I know I want to be with a new
person. I do because I realize that he could add some balance to my life. He
can take me away from leaving my girl hood , he could make me feel more like a
woman. Let me put it this way the new person in my life can actually take me to
a higher level I don’t have to feel like a woman-child, or feel like I don’t
have the balance and stability I have been seeking. I want a family, I want a
husband, I want my own. I can leave my mother’s nest officially, my strongest
relationships are with my mother and father. In order for me to become the
woman I want to be as a whole. One of my mentors/my old boss asked me , “Could
you separate your mother’s needs vs your husband’s needs? Could you separate
and allow yourself to put one before the other. Basically she was saying could
you separate your family’s needs vs. your husband’s needs/wants?” I realized
something she was right. When it comes to marriage and relationships how do you
separate the two? This man could give me that I don’t know if he is exactly the
one? I have to determine that through more time we spend together. I don’t know
100 percent. I do know he could give me the life I really wanted. I always
simply just wanted my own children and to travel the world with my husband.
He could do that what I mean is. This new person in my life
I am getting to know. He is 9 years older than me. I have dated someone back in
college his name was Wayne H. We met in college and I was 19 years old we met
in my contemporary moral issues class.
I remember I fell hard for him and he wanted a family and children with
me. I was so young too young. I was dating a few people at this time yet he was
one of the people who wanted that with me. I often wonder I remember one time I
was going to leave my house and move in with him. I had gotten into a
disagreement with my mom and just wanted to go somewhere to seek clarity, to
just get myself together. If I had chose a different path and left the house on
my own terms. How would my life have been? If I had chosen Wayne back then and
moved out at 19, finished my degree, and chosen a life with him. Would my life
turn out the way it has now? I feel sometimes I didn’t get what I want
completely. That I ignored my needs and heart’s desires maybe. Maybe it was
because of my education? The point
is in order for me to get married I have to separate myself from my family. I am
not saying I would ignore them, I would disown them, or not communicate with
them. I have to separate my role of as “child” and get them to see me as a
“woman” who wants a life of her own and is ready to take on her own path and
life. This new man I my life has two children, they have two different mothers,
and I am willing to put myself out there. I had/have a stepfather, stepmother,
both from relationships in my parents lives. So I know the feeling,
expectations, and often the issues that can arise when it comes to that choice
and making that choice in someone’s life. I believe this journey of building a
family whether it is my biological children or building a blended family (we
will see) it will be a great challenge full of compromise but I believe I will
come to love all of them blood or not as if they are my own and will take them
under my wing completely and guide them.
The
key to becoming a grown woman is finding yourself and what works best for you
yet feeling that yes I deserve a life of my own and deserve to be happy no
matter who is in or out of my life. It doesn’t matter who I decide to be with
on my terms I was born to be a writer, I will continue to write, and will
continue to create and follow my passions no matter which man is in or out of
my life. If he cannot accept that….that’s just two damn bad hahaha! I am ready
to live the life I have been wanting to for a long time.
