These last few years kicked my behind honestly….financially, spiritually, mentally, and physically we all went through a whole physical, social, and psychological transformation and breakthrough in the last 2 years during the pandemic. I honestly credit God, my faith, prayers every morning and night for the only reason why I am still standing. I went through 3 layoffs due to Covid in 2 years…many countless job rejections whether over the phone or e-mails, relationship changes, relationship break up then makeup, then a break up again, then a possible reunion with an ex too, oh but wait for it the ex decides to get engaged now this spring.
Then also another person I dated decides to get his second child’s mother pregnant again after knowing full well I wanted to date him and take things a lot more seriously. I was even open to trying an open-blended family thing. Well it didn’t pan out we ended all communication in the fall of 2020.
Yes my dear readers your girl these past 2 years has had her behind kicked, twirled, upside down and all around.
I had to learn how to lean on myself…I leaned on my family, close girlfriends during this time. I reached out to some experts here and there. I listened to a lot of podcasts, shows, went to the gym, read a lot of books, watched tons of movies, and really just focused on what can I improve on when it comes to my relationships. Was there anything really wrong with what we were doing? I think it wasn’t what I personally was doing.
I think it was more so what they were not telling me. They were not being fully transparent about what they were actually focused on, what they really wanted, or who they wanted to build a life with too.
I also realized I need to be true to my heart as well there was someone who I was still in love with and this person we were supposed to just see each other for a brief moment, catch up, and just talk. I thought it was going to happen, but it seemed like 3 curveballs came my way, now mind you some of these situations I was FULLY AWARE of but I didn’t think would happen so quickly.
One first curveball, my ex tells me he went to a Christmas party last 2021 contracts Covid-19 two weeks before his family is scheduled to come down to see him in his new house he just bought, and he needs to quarantine for the holiday. This I understood I was actually devastated he got Covid-19 because I felt like he was pretty health conscious, aware, plus he has a child. I would think he was fully vaccinated, plus he’s working around people, and of course with his family coming. You would think people would just be taking extra precautions anyway. I realized how much I cared about him even more when he got Covid. Him getting it made me very upset but also realize damn I wanted to be there with him too.
Time passes I can’t see him yet because of financial reasons and work purposes. So time rolls on…then boom here we go. His ex-girlfriend and him decided to get back together March 2022. After I tell him I am back on my feet financially I am coming to see you. I get the slap in the face double times. He knows I want to see him, we are communicating about our feelings for each other all the while you know damn well you’re up to something and not being fully honest. He tells me they got back together and she moved in the middle of March.
Two months later….I find out he proposes to her this month in May 2022. Ok when I find out online through social media actually. My instincts were like I knew he was going to marry this chick I can feel it because why would he buy a house the first time around for her and their daughter. Then ok she cheats on you, and you take her back?
Then you do the same thing again and this time she comes back to you. You propose it doesn’t matter the duration of time you were together. It’s about the fact that honestly this person does not give two shits about you. You actually want to build a life with someone in my opinion who is using you? How can you be with someone who didn’t even want to raise your own child you have together. She left you with the work and responsibility to raise your child? I couldn’t believe it when I heard the news, my family confirmed it, and I couldn’t handle it I called out of work recently just to have some time to reflect.
People are around me getting engaged, married, raising their children left and right. Of course I always wanted the same, I wanted the same with a couple of people who had strong potential to be my future husband and father of our children. Unfortunately they failed, they showed me they weren’t even an ounce close to what I was looking for now. I started reflecting on my past relationships, dating, people I casually dated through online dating, apps, meeting through friends, family, work occasions, and passing through.
I started realizing I needed to stop punishing myself cause I did nothing wrong. I realized I did what I was supposed to do, I opened myself up to love, but these people were not right for me because they treated me honestly like complete shit. They didn’t value me, they didn’t cherish me, they didn’t completely even know me, half of them don’t even know what my favorite color is….it’s pink by the way, or that I took ballet classes, girl scouts, cheerleading, gymnastics, I had braces only on my bottom teeth, that I was born in New York, I grew up in Washington, DC, and Jersey City, NJ, that I have an older brother, that I grew up with 2 stepbrothers, and a stepsister from my dad’s 2nd marriage. They don’t know I had singing lessons, that I won an art competition, that I was in the Washington Post, or that I was a soprano in the choir, they don’t know I used to watch the Food network religiously to improve my cooking skills I started cooking at age 9, that I took my first plane trip by myself when I was 7 years old, that I have 6 first cousins and a huge family. They never knew about my whole entire life everything I have experienced, gone through, and how I have grown. They knew parts of it but not the whole puzzle. Some of them probably didn’t realize I am a Christian/Catholic, I attended Catholic school, and I am a proud liberal democrat. That the two things I never eat is Black Licorice and Rum Raisin ice cream.
My boyfriends in the past to present. I feel like they never took the time to learn me, to get to know the real me, to see the real me, the personal things I deal with, the truth, the emotions, everything. I feel like they didn’t know me….the way they were supposed to know me. I felt like damn…maybe in the end they didn’t really know me. They didn’t invest time into me. Sometimes we have to realize that some people even those closest to us don’t even really truly know us at all. Even the ones we love. Isn’t that crazy? That the person who you’re so blindly in love with doesn’t even know who you are at all. How can you take a risk to love them without them fully knowing you? Is it because we are so in to this person we go for the physical, or we rush it, or let’s say we take our time in a dating or relationship that sometimes we are so in love with the person we ignore parts of them so we can love them fully? I am not sure…but what I do know is the next person who even has a chance to coming close to me again I am doing full background checks, I want to see all social media, all photos, family members, friends, we are not going to any physical or emotional intimate at that level until I know the real you. I can’t build a life with someone I don’t know completely. I need to know the truth. I feel bad for some of these guys because we could have an awesome and pretty great life together. They chose who they wanted for their own selfish, mysterious reasons, financial, genetic purposes, physical needs, emotional needs, their ego, or whatever it was that they needed to feel that void.
I get it you fell in love with that person to give you exactly what you needed. Maybe to feel like you’re the man….hmmm…it’s just too bad because you had someone who would have made you feel like the man and then some. I wanted to build a power couple relationship with these people. Where we would be successful in love, life, our relationship, or if it led to marriage too. I wanted us to be able to say yes….we truly are in love, happy, building a life, and we want it with this person. We cannot live or be without each other. I still feel that way. I have reflected looked at all of the memories, photos, everything from the past and I am comfortable with my single life. I can get back to just enjoying what I love to do. I am free from all relationships in the romantic sense until I know 1,000 percent this is my person. I am ready to start a new chapter, a new life, a new job, a new city, new state, or even country. The person, the man who chooses me and who I choose to have in my social circle, my life, who will add, my real soulmate, I believe everyone does have that special person out there who just gets you. Where you say “You too? You went through that, you stayed with that person, or you came out of that situation?”…they just get it like yes we made it and we finally found each other. That’s when I know this person is flesh and blood real. It’s been worth all of the dating, all of the poor choices, good choices, and changes.
For me I feel like I am that leading lady character in the movie who believes in love and refuses to give up. Like I know love will conquer all and will succeed. I just need my leading man that’s all. We shall see what comes next in 2022…stay tuned my dear readers if he gets to know the real Chloe Jewel Riccardo.
Some songs that have really helped me get through this situation I included in here too. I hope they will help some of you anyone going through personal or relationship struggles behind the scenes where they just want freedom, peace of mind, and need to just let go what's best for them.
