Feel a evolution

I was looking over old e-mails...and I know it sounds simple just looking at your emails. I feel an evolution because I have this blog almost four years now. I realize that for one thing I really have evolved though with all these experiences I have had I realize in some crazy way everything really did happen on God's time, he made a lot happen, he gave me a chance to take on different opportunities to grow some strength. I have realized how  a lot of things I did or chances I took really did help though. It made me realize I had to find my worth.
What am I talking about exactly? Relationships having certain friendships....taking chances to make me a better and smarter woman. I think if I did not take some of these chances I wouldn't have grown and discovered a lot within me. Its good to realize that I can finally feel a sense of piece though....They're certain people who I think gave me awareness about myself and I think I have come to realize family comes first, friendships second, my health always important. Also, now just to realize that I had to discover a lot within me too.
Back to relationships....if I did not learn how to realize certain people just right for me I had to stop dreaming about men who did not want me too. That makes me feel a sense of pride. One day I realized wow I do not need these men in my life. Why keep an unrealistic dream. So now I see its better to move on sometimes and really follow your heart. Especially when you feel happy.

Bottom line: Cutting certain people out of your life who may not be right for you sometimes helps you to grow and find what you are really looking for too. From relationships to friendships sometimes taking a brief period can allow you to grow too.
A lot of evolution has taken place though and I hope will be for the best in the nd too. Love you readers stay tuned.HBS 

My Muse

Inspired by "You"
You're the prototypical tall,dark,and handsome man.
You could be featured on the cover of a magazine as a bachelor.
Wise, intelligent, with chocolate movie star looks like Lance Gross or Morris Chestnut, or Blair Underwood.
You're voice deep not overwhelming but smooth.
Your accent any good listener can tell its from the city of bright lights and dreams.

Your body anyone can go toe to toe in the gym with you. To me its admiration of a person working diligently on having great health in strength.
Your heart its big I can tell...and has something very special inside.

You and I should be sailing the seas sipping French champagne,a four course dinner, and gazing into each others dark soulful brown eyes with candlelights sparkling and twinkling from the candle's flame. As the sunsets behind us with the golden star heading under the horizon.

We deserve nights of pleasure and joy. I believe you deserve it for how hard you work hard for what you want it shows in you and how talented you are.
For me it's a blessing to have someone around me who I can admire, learn from, and physically appreciate as well.
That is a rare and special thing.
I believe one day we will have that moment to explore all we need to explore and express vocally.
For now let us make our wildest daydreams and deepest wishes come to life. We should when something this rare special comes along. It may means a lot more, treasure it cause its valuable and precious.

Feeling comfortable in my own skin

I am learning to feel super comfortable with who I am now. I am learning how to feel happier physically, comfortable with me within and outside. Not that I felt horrible or disapproved. I am learning to accept God blessed me with a lot how can I feel upset, he gave me wonderful loving parents, they my not be together as a couple but separately they love me and accept their daughter. Some days I forget just how blessed I am.
Another thing is Handsomeness...he has this affect on me that makes me realize I can't complain. I have this guy who is spending time making me realize that someone may be able to tolerate all my flaws. I believe that's why I feel more comfortable now. I used to feel a lot more stress about certain things but now I believe there's someone who one day may accept that I am not perfect at all but that's all right with me. She's okay with me. If he can tolerate and accept me, my story, my dream, and all the things I may dislike but he may find interesting. We will see....lol I can't wait to see where the future may lead. That makes me excited and happy

Finding my place out here in NY

I have been living here now we are going on four months the 25th. I am getting comfortable remember at first moving here I was skeptical to the tenth power. Now I am coming into my own here I am realizing its not that bad....I have everything I need. Yet I still feel like I need my own too. I really still want my own car, my own place. Yet...I don't want to be rude, disrespectful about it. I also need my family to see this is my life too....I want to be here but if I am going to be in new york I want to be somewhere where I feel safe. I guess I miss my old life sometimes.
Apart of me feels like I need to be ready just go for it have fear just let it flow, open up,and don't hold back. Don't be scared....let your heart continue to be open and just let it flow. Yet I want to be confident and smart too. What I am talking about is being open to new experiences, new people, and new relationships. Also trying to learn how to move forward without holding on to the past too.
We will see...I am joining a gym, I am looking for new opportunities, so we will see. Time will tell

Missing the partying days

what happened I realize to the days when I used to go out to clubs partying with my girlfriends. when going to a club was the most exciting thing at first and that we would get all glammed up and excited for what the night would bring. I am trying to remember the very first club I went to was a comedy club / restaurant in the village at age 17. After that was a nightclub I wish I had a photos a nightclub upstate new york. Before me and my girlfriends could go out we mostly "partied" at home. That was the safest and legal way.
Now a lot of time has passed by I feel like were at the point and direction where our lives are forming. we are going to the direction our lives are heading but now what happened to all the clubbing?
Does this mean no more looking for other men? ,no more drunken nights lol, are we moving toward the point of real adulthood. It hit me the other night like damn I am almost 5 years from being 30...and I damn sure didn't see my life going down like this....its funny. I know where I am headed but I need the funds...I also need to know how I can get there. I have been given so much advice over the years. I know partying is not over but just something in me misses the days of just having fun in college too the excitement and the journey. I want to go on vacation to claim that back. To have my girlfriends around and just feeling like a party girl one more time. I almost feel like something else ahead of me though. we will see.

Getting the answer I wanted to hear

I had been ignoring Handsomeness for a few days maybe it was a good thing it helped me realize what I needed to focus on for myself too. He gave me the answer I wanted to hear "what are we doing?".....and he stated we are "close friends" .....does this mean we are friends with benefits lol! Its so high school for me to say yet he did state...he's not looking for a relationship not at the moment. He wants to continue to have fun before committing to anyone. That for me for some reason works for me yet....I asked him does this mean we date other people or being intimate...he stated "do you want to be intimate with oher people and how many are we talking. As soon as he said it I said well for me I just want you....or something to that affect.
Now mind you...I can be with other people that isn't a problem for me. I choose not to because it gets messy. Plus I am a loyal woman...I don't like being with multiple people at once. I can't especially if I am really feeling the person. Nah, I can't....That's just me...its very rare when I behave this way but just something feels different. I kept Handsomeness's gift and plan to give it to him in the future. Its not returnable...I am stuck with it lol which is ok I feel good about keeping it.

Honey Brown Sugar's mini heart dilemma

I am stuck....unfortunately I had a feeling this might happen I can't return the gift back for Handsomeness. So this means I am supposed to keep it then. I can't believe I got mad at him when I just spoke to him four nights ago. I am going to just keep it. If he asks me out like a real man again. If he wants to really see me or spend time with me.
I will let him have this gift....so we'll see...why can't I let this go. Is it because we are in the same work environment? Or is it because deep down he means more to me I just don't want him to mean a lot to me though. I want an open relationship where he and I are together out in the open. The only problem is I would have to leave this opportunity and be in a new place.To the point I don't even want anyone else just yet...I just want things to workout. I probably need to communicate more....tell him more...open up more. He inspires me...actually. Even though he's a bit of a bad boy...he has these qualities that make me want to know him more and be better too. Time will tell. 

Need to be in a new place for New Years

The first day of this year started a little rough...I won't lie I wish I could say it was from partying hard and drinking tons of cocktails at a large club with three floors or from dancing all night with unknown men in Manhattan.
It started out rough for me because I realized I didn't have anyone to share this New Year with actually except the television and the millions of people down in Times Square.
Over the holidays I noticed a lot and I kept some things in my heart that I didn't want to release. Lately, I have been trouble with letting my true feelings show cause I have to always be strong and put a brave face on for my friends and family.
Yet this time something kept nagging me I thought about past new years and I have always spent them with a relative or someone close to me.
This time I wanted to share it with New York but some things got a little crazy before that.
I woke up and suddenly started weeping like I had lost my best friend or something. It made me realize that I had to face reality and the fact I am going to have to make some hard choices this year again.
Do I make the sacrifice for my well being and livelihood?

Do I put my dreams on hold again and settle...or what?
I also realized this was the first time I didn't have my girlfriends near me, or anyone for that matter who I can address how I was feeling on the inside.

The last thing I noticed was Handsomeness never asked me to join him, he never asked me to spend time with him. Foolishly I bought a gift cause he means that much to me. Then I realized all the time my instincts were right...they kept telling me don't buy the gift twice...the first time I actually left a the store.
The second time giving into the Christmas spirit I gave in and I bought what he may like anyway.
Now, I have real pain in my heart cause this man who I thought was so special actually made my vision come to life....he made me realize that he is not the one who I want to have a relationship with at all.


I hate it because Handsomeness works with me...yeah I am stuck in a Bridget Jones's Diary movie. Can you believe it? Only this is the black version and with young, twenty-something characters. So now, what do I do...? I am crazy about him and at the same time I loathe him too. To the point I am going to return his gift tomorrow and just move on. Soon enough I will be moving on professionally, personally, spiritually, and I will be in a new place in my life again.
Yet it is hard to do that when you have a lot of people counting on you too.


Well my beloved readers....stay tuned as always there's more to share. Your friend, Honey Brown Sugar