Struggle of letting something or someone you still love I am struggling like hell in the relationship and love department Finding someone isn’t the problem. It’s keeping them engaged, stimulated, happy, because every person who I was with wants something else other than me. They want people who they had long-time relationships with in the past. I have kept a lot in my heart throughout this pandemic it’s crazy how a global pandemic not only affect the matters of our livelihood but the matters of our heart caused a plagued on our love lives. The truth was revealed and people were hiding so much in their relationships and marriages that were kept hidden in their minds. I have dealt with the constant highs and low of relationships. Jealousy, Heartbreak, Confusion, Hope, Promise, Happiness, Desire, Pain, Betrayal, Lies, Deception, Disappointment. There is a song when I was a teenager I remember the video and words clearly by this singer, Vivian Green, “Emotional Rollercoaster” , “If I was your woman” was originally written by Gladys Knight and later, Alicia Keys reproduced and sampled the song with her own hip-hop/r&b twist in 2001 with her debut album. That song resonate with me now definitely because I am in not a love triangle but I am in a damn square. There’s 4 people in this situation 2 of them is me and ex-boyfriend, who happens to be a long-term off and on relationship with his baby mama. By the way not my first time dealing with someone with children.
This is my fourth or fifth time either talking to someone, dating, or being involved with a person who has kids of their own. This person as I said I have written about him many times on my blog but never revealed who he is, my friends, some family members know who I am talking about. I was crazy in love, infatuated, and just was drawn to this person. I knew he was incredibly special and just was hooked. I was so damn mesmerized I was running to see him. I want everyone to keep in mind a couple of important details one we lived out of state from each other so it was a long distanced relationship, two we were young in our 20s we were both fresh out of college, not settled yet, and the third we both have dated other people since we broke up.
We were really together only for a few months. It was short but I always wanted us to stay together longer. Our connection, our chemistry was strong that kind of chemistry you can feel the electricity between the two of us standing in the room.
Now fast forward 12 years we both have dated other people, he got into a long-term relationship with a woman he met in his hometown. The last time we saw each other was January 2010 he dropped me off at the airport on his way to take his grandmother to see his late grandfather. Now there’s a couple of plot twists in our connection that are interesting.
The first connection is his grandmother was married to my mother’s half-brother’s father. No blood line, no relation. So he is my biological’s uncle’s “step-nephew” they’re not related at all. No blood line, no connection accept through his father getting married after he dated by grandmother. Funny I know I am sharing this part because of course in every relationship there is a backstory. Now that’s not the part that’s the issue. Here’s the problem from my perspective….my timing has been off. I have kept myself distracted, entertaining some friendships, “situationships”, relationships that were not beneficial for me in the romantic, healthy, thriving way. The way where you see things blossoming to the next level and the next. That’s what I wanted for us it took me a long time, a baby girl (his daughter), and failed relationships to realize that you still are crazy about this person.
I turned into that “crazy ex-girlfriend” behind the scenes. Even when I was dating other people I compared them to him. He wasn’t aware of this I hate to admit it but I did even though I would move on, get into a relationship, date someone, go on with my life. People don’t think I wasn’t living I was living long after we broke up believe me. We split 2010 so in between that time a lot of life happened he graduated a year earlier than myself, I graduated June 2010, was working for a real estate law firm, doing internships, and focusing on my next move. He was struggling for work because of the economy I remember it was vicious for both of us trying to get stable jobs in our field. Eventually we both did it took time but we did. I landed with an internship a year later with Black Enterprise Magazine. Some of you know how the rest of that story if you revisit my “2011” tab in my blog.
I was moving forward I was also ready to get into a serious- committed situations or even living situations. There are a few times I was ready to leave move out, go further with these people. To my detriment some of these situations didn’t pan out because we wanted other things. I always kept feeling like there was someone else, something drawing me to another soul another person. In 2014, I got my answer actually ok so I am in St. Louis, Mo because my paternal grandmother and my great-grandmother both passed the same month, a week a part, and year. We all flew in some of us stayed at his grandmother’s house. Which was a huge help and blessing really. So while we are out visiting our family members and so on. I get the news his girlfriend’s pregnant. Talk about crushed, I was sitting there with my face plastered with a smile but underneath I wanted to sink into a dark cave. I was hurt, jealous, and felt like she gave him everything I actually wanted to give him. Did the thought cross my mind about being the first to give him a child. Absolutely yes! I did he was one of the people I had on my radar actually. So I was happy for him but inside my heart was churning like damn he’s really in love with this person. Their baby girl arrived beautiful, happy, healthy, and spitting image of her father. He was perfect for his new role as a father he always wanted to be one. I knew in my heart he would be great because of how he gravitated towards children. He was a natural and he's a big brother too. Comes from a big family so I wasn’t surprised he wanted children. So I was happy but I still felt this sting in my chest like “Dream deferred…not going to happen”. After we split the first time….a year later it’s funny I dated someone with the same name just to “replace” him. I didn’t realize it until years later I replaced someone else with a “doppelganger” a “copycat” version of him. Sort of but this doppelganger became a local news reporter. Interesting right?
So it took me a few years to really heal, like truly heal my heart and the pain I felt. I dated here and there…..I met a lot of interesting characters throughout (2010-2015). 2015, I fell into a committed long-distanced relationship until my ex boyfriend moved back to our hometown New York he was from Jamaica native but his family resided in from Brooklyn. I met my ex-boyfriend you all know the rest of this story. I dated other people as well but I felt like there was always still something missing. This piece of the puzzle that wasn’t quite filled yet. As if I was missing a limb. I realized that a lot of it had to do with this longing for someone else I thought I was completely over.
I realized my feelings still lingered for this person. After some really serious situations that occurred in 2020. I realized earlier this year I wanted to kind of just silence myself for a minute. My ex and I took a break in November of 2021 and I decided to focus and reach out to the ex I still really had feelings for. Success occurred I had reached out to him in December of 2020 actually and he was doing his thing at that time. He moved to a new place, a new job, settled in, and for me I was also working and trying to get things ready to see him. 2021 went quickly and we both wanted to see each other but the timing was kind of crazy I ended up getting back with one of my exes for a little while (messy I know) and then we split as I said officially around my birthday. We are good friends still but I think he and I we both know I want a family, to settle into my adulthood, expand my family. I also want to focus on business plans, my passions writing, screenwriting, designing clothes, some other projects and businesses too. He’s more passionate about his own business ventures, goals, he has accomplished some great things too. However, I realize when someone doesn’t want what you want at that moment. You go ahead and you must revaluate yourself, reevaluate what happened. Take some time and just think about how to compromise, do you want to move forward, can you compromise?, can you have that conversation, or can you go on a new journey to find someone new when you are forced to let someone you love go.
I have come to realize that everything has a beginning to a story even before you meet the person you will fall in love with or begin a relationship with too. They have a beginning of love stories prior to you, some stories they may still be writing with someone else every story has a low point, a high point, success, and different themes that come with that story whether it’s a love story, a friendship, or even in your family. It’s all up to what is best for you, your life, and what makes you happiest. Sometimes it’s also about what you need as well.
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